*Taps Mic* Is this thing on?

Hi, you guys. This is gonna be a cringe post, so hold onto your butts, but I wanted to preface it by saying: please don’t worry. I’ve linked up with a lot of really nice people over the years on Reddit, and I know the people I keep in any sort of contact with on here are all very caring. You guys are seriously awesome, and while I’m gonna talk about some mental health stuff (honestly, in this, the year of our lord 2023, who isn’t dealing with some mental health stuff?), I’m truly okay. I’ve been through far, far worse, and I have the good fortune of an indomitable will to live from my Finnish DNA (take *that*, Stalin!), so I’ve never been a danger to myself or others with mental health stuff. (Well, no more dangerous than the occasional angry-crying outburst or ill-advised haircut)

A lot of you probably know I have OCD and anxiety. I’ve had both of them for pretty much my whole life, and I’m honestly pretty lucky- I went through some scary years with them as a teenager, but because I developed anxiety early, I also got a head start on dealing with them. My anxiety could get pretty bad. I’d get regular panic attacks that would make me vomit uncontrollably, which wasn’t super fun. From the ages of 14 to about 22, I pretty much constantly had headaches and stomach aches from anxiety. However, once I went on meds at age 18, it did make my anxiety significantly better- while I still had the physical symptoms and panic attacks, I wasn’t constantly worrying. Because of this, I thought I was okay. In college, I was in a pretty demanding honors pharmacology program. I worked in a pharmacology lab where I was regularly screamed at, where I was told I was stupid, and where I was made aware women were not viewed the same as men (my mentor condescendingly called me “stupid Saara” and delighted in getting me only pink equipment, even though blue is my favorite color lol). I worked there for two years, because dammit, they told me I was too sensitive for science, and I wanted to prove them wrong! I even wrote my honors pharmacology thesis on my work there. 

Needless to say, the lab and workload impacted my anxiety. However, college was mostly great for me. Everyone in my major was super nice. I had amazing professors (my pharmacology/physiology professor is one of my favorite people, ever. He’s like a guru to me). I had fantastic friends and loved the Russian language club I was in. Sure, I was too anxious to keep food down during exams (I love food, so it wasn’t for a lack of trying to eat), and I obsessively weighed and measured myself because that’s how my ocd manifested back then, but I did okay. I was with my ex, Ryan (who I broke up with last year) in college, and he was very supportive. Ryan is a good person and treated me very kindly. I was lucky.

I went through a nervous breakdown right after I graduated college, but it was the best thing for me- it forced me to deal with my anxiety/OCD in a productive way and not just mask it with pills. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tended to make My OCD thought spirals worse, but after being unable to eat for three days because anxiety upset my stomach too much to eat, I finally stumbled upon a page for Acceptance/Mindfulness-Based Anxiety Reduction.

It changed my life. I learned I didn’t have to struggle so hard. I learned I didn’t have to put every single one of my thoughts in a neat cubby hole, lest my “thought pyramid” tumble down (I’m so OCD that I visualize my thoughts as building upon each other into a pyramid. It’s okay to laugh- I’m laughing too) 

I’ve been doing much better since then. However, this past year has been hard on me, physically and mentally. I was on thyroid meds, which made me gain weight despite diet and regular exercise. I’ve been a cardio girl all my life- I was a cross-country runner for a long time, though sadly my back/pelvic injuries make it so that I now do cycling, hiking, and elliptical instead. My back has been bad since I was 20, and my pelvis since I was 11, but yoga has helped me out a lot this year, and I even have been able to make do at home without physical therapy. Still, I’m not without pain, and sadly the extra weight I gained on thyroid medicine and post-thyroid radiation hasn’t helped. I love to exercise- the endorphins really regulate my anxiety and pain levels and make me feel happy, and and my moods have certainly been impacted by thyroid radiation. The weight I’ve gained has been tough- I’ve always struggled a lot with my self-image, even when I was skinny. I don’t wanna get too whiny here, but I’ve always felt ugly…like, since I was maybe 8. Gaining weight has added another layer to that. What’s crazy is, there are tons of women my size or larger who I think are gorgeous. I’ve also always liked bigger guys and found them to be sexy- I dated big boys when I was skinny. It’s just, for reasons that are not super productive to get into (cough my mom’s obsession with my and my sister’s weights and appearances cough), it’s been hard. 

In 2021, I had liposuction on my chin. I was happy with it. And now…having gained weight post RAI (the average person gains 15-20 pounds after RAI), I have my double chin back with a VENGEANCE. Even when I was skinny, I had a fat face, so it’s…ugh, let’s just say, I don’t love it. 

Getting my thyroid radiated has also caused me to be a bit more anxious than usual. It’s not the end of the world, but when combined with the fact that I recently started the pill...I’m definitely facing more anxiety and OCD now. My job has also increased a lot in scope (but not pay, lol, yay corporate America!) and it can be overwhelming a lot of days, which I’m sure adds to it. 

Damn. Birth control sucks. You know what also sucks? Vaginismus. I’ve been treating it for years, as it’s a vestige of my pelvic injury, and it’s gotten much better (I’ve had over 100 lidocaine injections in my vagina, so I’m glad they’ve paid off), but it’s hard when your boyfriend has a comically large pornstar dick. You know the saying “just the tip”? That’s our sex life, at least when it comes to knowing one another ~*~biblically~*~. We’re gonna make it work- lidocaine cream and nitroglycerine ointment help- but it’s discouraging that I went on birth control that’s been fucking with my moods, when the only thing I want fucked is my pussy. On the plus side, I feel like it’s brought gwat and me closer- he’s incredibly gentle and sweet and patient. I’m lucky to be with someone who is so concerned with my comfort. I just wish I could make it better for him. I know that he’s scared of hurting me- before we had sex the first time, the poor guy was physically shaking and confided he was terrified of causing me pain. I don’t want him to not be able to enjoy himself because he’s worried about me. At least, we have pretty amazing sex in other ways, and so both of us are satisfied, but I really do want us to be able to have penetrative sex, too. 

I don’t like being so irritable now. That isn’t me. I know the hormones play a role in it, but sometimes I feel like I’m out of control. Like I’m observing myself pick stupid fights or be cranky. I won’t put it all on me- gwat has a stubborn, contrarian streak (what Texan doesn’t? Jk jk I love my Texans please put down y’all’s pitchforks), and he knows he has said some things to me that many women would get annoyed with, but I will put it *mostly* on me, you know? Gwat really is a great guy- he’s caring, he’s gentle, he’s thoughtful, he’s so smart it scares (and, yes, arouses) me, he’s wickedly funny and sexy. I’m a lucky gal. I don’t know why I get so fussy around him, when that’s never been me to this degree in relationships before. I’m sensitive, and I’ll own that, but I’ve never been so combative. I’ve raised my voice at gwat, when I never did that in my past relationship, which lasted 8 years. That isn’t his fault- I need to work on myself. It scares me that I’m more quick to anger now,  and while the hormones and the organ death might be reasons, they aren’t excuses. Ultimately, I’m responsible for my own behavior. 

Thanks for reading this, you guys. It feels good just to get all this mind gunk out of my head and onto a page. I feel calmer now, which is good- God knows I need calm. 

I bought some books tonight to read and work through- some on mindfulness, some on conflict-resolution, some just on compassion for self and others. Some of you know I’m- at least, nominally- Catholic, but in all honestly I’m more spiritual than religious (ugh, such an overused phrase, I know. I cringed while I wrote it). To get a little woo-woo religious, I do believe that God has given me so much love, and so much to be thankful for in my life, but I also realize I mainly believe in God because this belief comforts me, and I *want* there to be a supreme, loving being that keeps order in the universe (again, see: OCD). I’d never claim any of my beliefs are any more right than anyone else’s- they’re really just my coping mechanisms that help me handle reality. 

I’m always thankful for any prayers on my behalf- and certainly, I’m happy to pray for any of you, too- but I equally appreciate any spiritual advice or intentions, from any belief system. To be honest, some of the best examples of “Christian” love I’ve seen in my life have come from atheists I’m close to, so I suppose it’s empathy that I crave as much as spirituality. Still, I’ve been meaning to rent a few more books on Buddhist philosophy from my library app- I read a book on Buddhism after my breakup last year and found the advice to be incredibly helpful. At the very least, it taught me to stop trying to beat reality until it bends into my own preferred mold (a hard lesson for a domme with, I repeat, OCD). I really need to content myself with accepting reality as it is, and finding beauty and joy in that, rather than needling and nagging and criticizing in a futile attempt to make it what I think it *should* be. 

This is getting rambly, but I know you all expected that when you read this. Thanks again. I love you guys. Really. And I hope you’re doing well. 

Saara ❤️